Oscar Is Out of Jail: We Plan His Comeback
It’s always a tough task for a fallen hero to ease back into society, for a rehabilitated criminal to find his feet after being locked away for almost a year, but it’s going to be even harder for Oscar Pistorius, who was released in the dead of night on 19 October 2015. How does someone who once was one of the most loved South Africans on the planet, and now one of the most hated and controversial, stage a comeback? Don’t worry, OP, we got ya covered. We’re your Olivia Pope.
Journalists all over Johannesburg face a tough question today: will they camp out in front of Uncle Arnold’s mansion in Waterkloof in the hopes of catching a glimpse, or smell even a whiff of Pistorius, or will they cover the student protests at Wits, #WitsFeesMustFall. So tough.
The Pistorius camp will without a doubt be celebrating. This is especially good news for shop owners as the sales of Klipdrift and Coke are bound to skyrocket over the next couple of days. Share in PG Glass have also become sought-after commodities since glass toilet doors have become an 'in thing' with home owners claiming that privacy on the pot is not only overrated but that transparency could indeed save a life.
Although we’re by no means Pistorians, we do feel somewhat sorry for the guy. He has missed out on a great deal whilst behind bars.
Not only did he have to spend Christmas cooped up in a less-than-luxurious jail cell but he also failed to see in the New Year with any true fanfare and celebration. The only fireworks said to be going off at the Kgosi Mampuru II prison after dark involves friction of the bodily kind and is definitely not of a PG nature.
A movie to get Oscar in a happier place:
Although it is probably a blessing in disguise that Oscar did not get to see Mad Max: Fury Road on the big screen (too much psychosis for even the sanest of people) we do think he would have rather enjoyed the Pixar offering 'Inside Out' which cleverly disguises a young girl's harrowing schizophrenia as a bunch of innocent yet aloof voices inside her head. (What's the bet Riley turns out to be 60 shades of crazy and goes on a killing spree at a shopping mall in the South of Indiana?)
On a positive note the parole board's timing was impeccable as Oscar will now have the opportunity to watch a possible Springbok slaughter at the hands of the mighty All Blacks this coming weekend. If this does in fact transpire we can only but hope and pray that Heyneke Meyer does not own a house in Waterkloof.
The future may look very bleak for Oscar at the moment but all hope is not lost. As long as he keeps his feet planted firmly on the ground and focus on presenting himself as a rehabilitated person he could soon find himself slowly making his way up the social ladder again.
He might not be able to compete internationally as an athlete again but other career prospects are definitely on the horizon:
He could chair a charity or host a brand-new dating show. 'A Shot In The Dark' could see unlikely couples find love in the strangest of places and is bound to make him a killing (which could proof to be very useful seeing that he has to pay off a fortune in legal fees)
Write a tell-all book. Sure, Barry Bateman – and several others – have already written books about that fateful Valentine’s Day morning, but a book written by the man behind the gun is sure to be a big seller. People love to be inside the mind of a killer, and this is their shot.
Sell his story to a filmmaker. Come on, that movie is inevitable. We can already see someone like James Franco begging to play the part, and Jennifer Lawrence is still the ‘it girl’. She can play Reeva whether they share any resemblances or not. Box office smash if we’ve ever seen one.
Right now, he can join the protests. Instead of using the hashtag #WitsFeesMustFall, he can use #LegalFeesMustFall. It’s not fair to rehabilitated criminals that they exit prison with huge legal debt. Apparently, that’s a thing now. #SayNoToDebt
It’s always easier with a pretty girl by your side:
Finding love again after such a tragic experience could be hard for Oscar. It is understandable that he might not want to dive head first into a relationship but one can also not expect a lonely young man with a killer smile to remain single forever. We would refrain from searching for love on Facebook if we were him but the likes of Ashley Madison and even Gumtree could prove to be very useful.
He doesn’t even have to search that far. We’re pretty sure he could just jump into the Pistorian army dating pool if he wants to. Those ladies will kill for a shot at dating the adored bachelor. Hell, they would probably even leave their husbands.
Or maybe, Oscar needs to find the opposite of what he usually goes far. He needs a rehabilitated criminal, a girl who is hardened but still adorable, and smart, someone who will keep him in check. Someone like Taystee from Orange is the New Black.
Oscar’s Song of the Summer: Elle King’s “Ex’s and Oh’s”
Oscar gets released as this break-up song is just growing in popularity. It’s almost like it was written for him (we checked, it wasn’t). With lyrics like “one, two, three, they’re going to run back to me, they always wanna come but they never wanna leave”, and “ex’s and oh’s, they hunt me like ghosts”, it’s easy to get confused. With ex’s who hunt like ghosts and refuse to let go, we’re sure this song will definitely find its way onto Oscar’s Summer playlist.
Listen for yourself
What the future holds for Oscar remains to be seen. Regardless of the negativity he will be faced with he needs to stand tall and face his fears head-on. He has been granted a second chance in life and if he plays his cards right it will be nothing short of mind-blowing!
