How to Survive a Zombie Invasion
If you’re reading this now, it means that I am dead.
Or a zombie.
Mankind is on the brink of extinction and only you can stop it.
No, I’m just screwing with you, my gullible little friend.
For years now, the world has been enamoured with the zombie craze. Pop Culture cannot get enough of the flesh-eating ghouls who torment our favourite characters on an almost weekly basis. From shows like The Walking Dead to the new very smart and enjoyable but limp dick iZombie, viewers simply love it. The question is, though, if a zombie invasion was to happen, would we have learnt anything valuable from those shows that will help us survive and kick their zombie asses? If the answer is no, don’t worry. Sphinxed are here for you with some very helping guidelines, and we also have some fun with it in the process.
Read on if you want to not die.
Don’t wing it – preparation is key
When the shit hits the fan, you need to be prepared to run or hide. Scout out the big retailers or shopping malls in your city or suburb. Preferably, a mall that is not too big – too many entrances to guard and too many opportunities for zombies to find a way in and make your ass theirs is not what you’re looking for.
A place like Makro is a pretty solid choice. It’s big without being too big; it has food, and not too many entrances to guard. A big no-no: When you get to your retailer, don’t sit around and eat the good food or test out the latest gadgets or play the new games you haven’t had the chance of buying yet, the first thing you do, listen clearly, the first thing you do is sealing all the entrances. Don’t think for a second that you’re safe now, that would be a rookie mistake. Check your fortifications daily, assign people to guard those entrances. Barricade any glass entrances, using whatever large, heavy items are at hand, furniture, large pieces of timber, abandoned vehicles, whatever will keep you in and them out!
Don’t be dumb, make buddies
A good zombie attack needs a lot of extras. You can’t expect to survive a zombie invasion with a group of only ten people. Don’t be silly. You need the manpower, so try and get more than 50 people. Don’t align yourself with the crazies, though. Check them out. If you just get a whiff of insanity, get the fuck away from them. The basic idea is to have enough people to source out the zombies and block the entrances, but not so many people that you have to ration the food available in the retailer too heavily. Assign each person in your team a suitable weapon and post them in shifts to guard all entrances to your hide-out while you wait for help to arrive.
A zombie is not a friend. If you spot one, kill the bloody ghoul
Major tip here, take a mental note: the most important component about your survival is the actual slaughtering of the brain-happy ghouls that are after your blood. The ONLY way to permanently un-animate a zombie is to obliterate its brain. This isn’t rocket science. A gunshot to the head is sure to do the trick. I hope this goes without saying – shots aimed at anywhere else but the brain are a waste of perfectly fine ammunition. Who said your target practice is not going to come in handy? Another way is decapitation, but I wouldn’t recommend it. If using knives or other stabbing weapons, the brain can be accessed through the eyes, the nose, or the mouth, or even the ears. You probably will be squeamish at first, you know, killing your neighbours and all, but hey, you might just get a kick out of it. If it was an annoying neighbour, you won’t feel bad at all. Trust me.
Ooooh, accessories (Or a handy survival kit)
You will need some of the following items handy if you are unable to execute your plan fast enough. You know, just in case you don’t arrive at your destination and you’re left out in the cold for a few days.
Water (at least four litres per person, per day for at least three days)
Food (A three day supply of non-perishable items.)
Medication (first aid kit, prescribed medicines because just think how lame it’ll be if your cause of death is your diabetes)
Tools and supplies (battery-powered radio, flashlight, extra batteries, matches or flint.)
Bedding – freezing to death would be even more lame.
Maps and a compass. Things are already kak, you don’t want to get lost too!
If you ever wanted to get into assembling weapons, now’s your chance:
If you think you’re tough and you want to get killed, by all means, go at it. Try to attack and kill a zombie with your bare hands. It’s not my brains. This is for all the smart people who use weapons to kill those flesh-eating pieces of shit.
At least one rifle, shotgun, or automatic assault rifle. Or high-calibre handgun. Your guns need ammunition. Get stocked up. 500 rounds for each would be good. You don’t want to run out of bullets when a herd of zombies approaches, because bye-bye.
A machete (Take its head off with one clean swipe.)
A shovel (Not for burying purposes)
Pocket knives (Remember that part about going for its brains through its eyes and ears?)
Bow and arrow (Because Daryl).
Some fun shit!
The world is going insane and you’re surrounded by blood and guts. You don’t want your family, okay, your whole family, that handsy drunk uncle can bite it, to become zombies. However, that doesn’t mean the world is now devoid of any fun. Just imagine seeing the person or celebrity you intensely dislike or, fuck it, really cannot stand, slobbering around like a zombie (I know you’re imagining that person in your head right now; smiling devilishly, don’t bloody lie!). That is why there is a Kill List. Yep, a Kill List. Who would be on that list you ask?
Kim Kardashian. No, the whole Kardashian clan! That includes you, Kanye.
Tom Cruise. Pretty self-explanatory.
Gwyneth Paltrow. Good on you, Chris Martin.
Jennifer Lopez. Why the fuck is she still relevant?
Justin Bieber. We still don’t know if it’s a boy or a lesbian.
Shia LaBeouf. Just remember to stick a paper bag over his head.
